A result of my therapists sequence writing homework (although I prefer sequence talking, no surprise to anyone who knows me IRL). This topic/title has been irking me in all the right ways. Credit to Caroline Winkler (a Youtube legend) for the title idea, and for shedding light into the topics we sweep under the rug.
My life was once an inconclusive equation. During the pandemic I simultaneously graduated secondary school and moved towards my passionless degree in business administration. To spoil the ending, I dropped out. At the time, I was a deer in headlights blinded by a predictable path that I didn’t align with. I was so focused on moving forward that I disregarded the flashing red lights besides me. But as I trudged through the first 2 years of the degree, I knew at least that I was out of balance and unsatisfied. Here is where I wish I could say that I followed my heart and immediately pursued a more fulfilling path, but my story was instead filled with chapters of throwing temper tantrums and meeting my ego for the first time. I discovered the online world of “self-improvement” naive and HUNGRY to fix the uncertainties and discomforts in my life.
I first acknowledged my physical discomfort. “Maybe if I looked better I would feel better”. I addressed my “poor” diet by restricting foods and developing a temporal and calorically fixed eating schedule. I filled my time by with school clubs, excessively working, reducing “benefitless”, got into a lifeless relationship and completely transformed myself into my closest interpretation of societal perfection.
I have inserted (one of many) of my weekly schedules from early 2021 to visually represent the chaos that was my life.
It didn’t work.
All facets of my health failed after I reached this “pinnacle of success”. I realized that using my body as a machine was not producing the output I desired. I now know the importance of aligning with purposeful tasks as means of fulfillment. I realize what I was doing was self destructive and sensory heightening, not nourishing and sustainable. I am grateful that all of these wrong turns led me to yoga, and that I can now understand and support the growing population of people struggling in the same way that I once did.
I often wonder why I was so invigorated to overwork, overextend and over perform. As I come to be more interoceptive and aware of the world around me I have started to notice the nuances of our “hustle and grind” society. Specifically, I am writing and living here on the unceded Coast Salish territories (Vancouver, British Columbia). To give words to this felt sense, our society is hyper-masculine. We must be “doing” and “achieving” in order to appease societal pressures. From an economic standpoint, yes, we as humans are most profitable when we are satisfied working and producing, but as values begin to shift and diversify towards wellness centred approaches for increased productivity (think 4 day workweek, or corporate wellness programs) we are beginning to realize the necessity of rest, inner mental/emotional work and “being”.
My dying wish is that this will find someone who needs to hear it, and reduce the amount of self sabotage and collective suffering we participate in and witness. I hope you enjoyed this tangent. I think the human experience can be more than a “sad turned success story”, and I hope you can giggle at my naivety because I still do.
To reach out, I invite you to contact me through email: serayhagrace@gmail.com
Your Subtle Bodies 